12 years later…
Hey all,
Sam here with a reminder that our cuppa and a catch up this week is on Friday at 12.15pm, which just so happens to be my 12 year sober anniversary! I wrote at length about my journey 3 years ago but for the benefit of our new subscribers I wanted to re-write a slightly shorter version today!
Every story of addiction looks different to each person. My years of abusing alcohol and coming out the other side of it stronger and full of a zest for life is what inspired me to start a business like SMASH. I know I am very lucky in that sense and it has certainly shaped my life for the better overall. For many others it is much harder to find a way out. My circumstances were fortunate enough that I was able to get the help I needed and I was able to see a future that was much brighter ahead of me.
If you are struggling or are supporting someone that is struggling with addiction or depression, there are some details of organisations you could contact at the end of this email.
My drinking started when I was a teenager. There was no single specific moment or event that led me to becoming an alcoholic. I was very much a people pleaser and the "friends" I had around me from school until I left Manchester in 2002 were incredibly controlling over my life, dictating to me how I should act, dress and even think. I was depressed and had feelings of suicide but drinking helped me block out what life was for me at that time. When I moved away, I was 18 and still felt that I needed alcohol to be confident, and so the heavy drinking continued.
In 2004 I met my now ex boyfriend, who helped me block out the people in my life that had caused some of my pain, but the heavy drinking remained. Some days it caused problems in our relationship, and some days I became very good at hiding the extent of my habit. I, like many others who struggle with addiction, became an excellent actor! I became great at hiding physical evidence of my drinking and just as great at justifying reasons why "we" should open a bottle, usually able to pass of my 3rd bottle of wine as my first on most days of the week.
Around 2007, my drinking had officially become "a problem". Something that I needed to address otherwise I could lose everything. I promised to change and started seeing a regular counsellor in a local alcohol and drugs service. My counsellor advised me to stop drinking completely. I dismissed the idea and told him I could cut down! One of the things we do as addicts is to "normalise" our behaviour. To one person a bottle of wine is too much in one day - I had made it normal to get through three. To some people, drinking before 6pm is considered too early - I had set my boundary at 12pm (until my rock bottom). But for some that I'd met since, having a half bottle of vodka in the morning is the only way for them to stop shaking enough to brush their teeth.
There is no measure of where the line is that we must not cross, being any sort of addict will look different from person to person, but if our general behaviour is affecting our lives or the lives of others in a negative way it could be that it is time to consider looking into outside help or at the very least, sharing your concerns with the people around you.
My last hangover was after the 19th March 2009. Luckily for me, it was my rock bottom and somewhere that I never wanted to ever be again. I almost lost everything that was important to me at the time and something clicked in my mind that told me "I can never drink again". And from that day I have never come close to having another alcoholic drink again. I told my workplace and they were so supportive, something that could have been a very different story if they had caught me drinking on the job most days... something I had normalised in most of my previous workplaces.
In the same year, I became friends with some of my now closest friends in the world, my purpose became about experiencing life as if for the first time. Every part of my life changed in those next few years, until I got to a point where I was able to make some more major changes. I left my boyfriend, I left my job, I even left the country and went travelling for a year where I came to the decision that in one way or another I wanted to help others. On my return in 2015 I came "temporarily" to London, and interviewed for a receptionist position at Fitness First Angel with some manager called Ash.... Where the next chapter certainly began!
I am very fortunate that my alcoholism is not an ongoing battle any more. It is something that happened in my past and feels like a story from a different person. I have had periods of time where overeating, over exercising, and/or obsessive calorie counting have impacted my daily life, but being aware of certain triggers and behaviours helps to keep these impulses in check. Lockdown has been particularly difficult for people with addictions and those of us that struggle with mental health, so it is more important than ever to look out for one another.
Join me on Friday lunch time for a chat about my experiences and to talk about anything else you want to bring to the catch up! Also, join us on Friday evening for our monthly dance party! - any time from 7pm.
Take care of yourself and see you soon!
Sam & Ash
Some useful contacts.
For general information on addictions: http://www.beatingaddictions.co.uk/
For NHS advice on keeping well: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/
For 24/7 emotional support, particularly if you are in emotional distress: https://www.samaritans.org/
If you are worried about how much you drink: https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/alcohol-support-services
A list compiled by Mind of more contacts that can support you around various addictions and dependancy: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/addiction-and-dependency/addiction-and-dependency-resources/