18 years...
Hey All, Sam here...
Last weekend I went to my 'home town' of Manchester for the first time in over 4 years. Although it's the place where I grew up, I realised that, as of this year, it hasn't been my home for 18 years! That's half of my life where I've been a 'southerner'!
When I am in Manchester I feel extremely anxious. I have many bad memories, some of which I've talked about in previous emails, but for most of my teenage years I was controlled by a group of 'friends' who I couldn't seem to say no to. What I wore, what I did, how I spent my money, even my opinions were determined by them and deviation meant that there was a risk of me being outcast and friendless.
18 years later I know I am a completely changed person. Strong, mindful, with my own opinions, confidence and self worth... but being back in the centre still filled me with a feeling of panic and nausea. I just couldn't bear to be there. I found it hard to breathe, I didn't want to make eye contact with anybody I passed in case it was someone I knew from my school days (as if I could recognise them now!). Memories came back in bits and pieces, but feelings of being trapped and unable to escape came back in full force.
The teenage version of me just wanted to run away as fast as I could and get on the train asap! Thankfully, I did have a train to Leeds due an hour later to get to spend a chilled couple of days one of my best friends. It's a shame because I spent a nice couple of days with my mum and her husband, who I do not see very often.
I messaged Ash, who suggested I dug deep to write a list of all the good things about Manchester...
1. It was the base for my childhood... which overall was not all bad!
2. The negative experiences that I did have made me into the strong amazing person I am today.
3. It's very close to a lot of countryside. Some of my favourite memories are going to visit loads of different beautiful places around the north.
4. I met my oldest friend here - aged 4 in primary school. She also moved to London years ago and we still meet every month for a catch up!
5. Manchester is responsible for some of the best music of all time!
6. The city itself does have some cool buildings and history associated with it.
I feel a little disappointed in myself for my internal reaction when I was in the middle of the town centre... really what's the worst that could happen now? That I bump into somebody that I knew? Writing about it is always my go-to which is why the majority of this was written on the train to Leeds!
We are not our past, but it is our past that helps shape us. I want to use this experience as a reminder of how proud I am of myself. If I could talk to the teenage version of myself, it would be to say 'stay strong, it will get better.'
Sam and Ash
