Enjoy Every Bite…
Hey All, Sam here, sharing an email I wrote around a year and a half ago about my body image journey.
Since writing this I have learnt so much more about myself, educated myself more about fat-phobia, read so much more about body positivity and body shaming. I feel there are parts of the following that I may have rephrased if I wrote it again from scratch. I can safely say that the version of me today is so much happier in my own skin than I have ever been. I have not seen a weighing scale since March when I used to be in the gym environment on a daily basis and I strongly believe that how each of us choose to treat our body is nobody's business but ours!
We would just like to encourage you to treat your body with kindness, love and respect - especially as we head towards January. Traditionally it is the month where subliminal body shaming is everywhere! In advertising, on social media and in gyms. We want you to try and filter these messages as much as you can. My story may be familiar, but it is also different and it is a part of a journey that is still ongoing!
Enjoy Every Bite...
May 2019
Hey SMASH crew, Sam here with my body image journey for Mental Health Awareness Week…
I’d always been classed as a "big" girl. As a teenager I was a size 14, which seemed massive at the time, especially in comparison to my schoolmates. My self esteem disappeared more and more as bullies would comment on my size and so called “friends” would constantly criticise the way I dressed and looked. I took comfort in junk foods, sugary snacks and eventually discovered the joy of oblivion through beer and wine.
My weight increased over the years, and at my worst point of drinking I think I gained almost 3 stone (20kg) in 4 months. At my biggest I was over 100kg, a UK size 20 and overall, in a very bad mental space. I was comfort eating a LOT and drinking much more, often making myself throw up to make more room for more booze and more snacks.
Over the years I’d been on so many "diets"... I'd read all the books, bought all the hypnosis cds, joined the weight loss clubs, tried, failed, tried again and failed again... each time comfort eating or drinking to try and make myself feel a little better. But my problem was a self-destructive one. In my mind I didn’t “deserve” to be happy, I didn't believe that I would ever lose weight and so I continued with the binge eating and drinking. The harsh words of the school bullies and "friends" became my own inner monologue - I was bullying myself! How could I grow as a person when I'm my own worst enemy?
The first major change came when I gave up alcohol. I lost a little of the weight but the poor food choices continued. Me and my partner at the time were big fans of a bargain… two big bags of crisps for the price of one? A bag of doughnuts reduced to 20p? The big bar of chocolate only a few pence more than the average size? Yes please! We were slaves to the clever marketing swamping our shops and supermarkets, leading many of us to over-consume and feel we are getting a good deal when actually we may end up worse off health wise.
I’d been suffering with back pain and so took a trip to the doctors. They recommended trying yoga or pilates to strengthen my core muscles. I had already joined a gym but hadn’t been going regularly, scared of what people would think of me trying to work out. I started with a Body Balance class (cross between Yoga, Pilates and Tai chi) for a few weeks with a friend before I decided to branch out and try other classes. It was so nerve racking going it “alone” but I started trying out the different aerobic based classes, hiding at the back and aspiring to be one of the 'fitter' girls at the front. My competitive streak was awakened – I hate to be the “unfit one” in the class and so I spurred myself on to work as hard as I could, getting fitter and fitter as the months went on and making new friends from the class in the meantime.
The only problem was that the weight wasn't shifting. I decided there must be something wrong with my metabolism… it’s something I’d heard about! But after seeing my doctor again I was informed that it’s more likely the food consumption that was keeping me at the same weight. She told me to start counting calories and see what happens. I downloaded a macro-tracking app and within 3 months I lost almost 2 stone. The weight just dropped off… I couldn't believe it and at the time, I felt so much better about myself. However, calorie counting became my new obsession, losing weight my new addiction, and after upping my exercise from once a day to three times a day I got to a UK size 8 by the end of the year, having lost almost 7 stone (over 40kg) from my heaviest weight.
Even at my smallest, I still felt “fat” but it was only when I made the decision to leave my then-partner, that I realised how obsessed I had become and that actually I had been using fitness as my alternative to alcohol. Over the next few months I gained some of what I call “happy pounds” – back to a weight BMI charts still class as "overweight", which is where I have happily stayed ever since! I had signed up to my first marathon the same year and my fitness journey became more about functionality and performance over aesthetics.
I still struggle with days where I feel fat, bloated and unattractive, but the more I have been researching about body image for my studies (a more in depth email about this coming soon) the more I have been able to check in with how I feel in my body. Being able to move and being able to run are a great focus for me to remember how lucky I am to have a fully functioning body!.
We have only one body and one life so you can choose how to treat it as, with life, our bodies may have lumps and bumps - but it is what makes us who we are! We are not defined by our body. We can still be strong, we can still be kind, we can still move in incredible ways, we can still love and be loved no matter our "off" days. Embrace who YOU are as a package. Enjoy the training that makes you happy...
I LOVE how running makes me feel, how spinning to a soundtrack of musicals makes me so incredibly HAPPY, how much of a BUZZ I get from joining in any SMASH classes!
Do what makes you happy.... embrace the sweat, enjoy every bite of your favourite foods, dance your heart out to your favourite song and enjoy your body AS IT IS! We have one only - nurture it, be kind to it, respect it and love it 💙
Back to 2020! I feel that many of us have been forced to switch up our usual fitness routines this year, which can cause additional anxiety in body and mind. The more we are in touch with our inner monologue, the easier it may become to decrease our negative thoughts.
If you have been coming to SMASH classes you know that we focus on the joy in moving our bodies. We encourage having fun with what we can do as opposed to what we feel we "should" do. No competition, no pressure, no expectations In the process we will naturally become fitter and stronger in the mind as well as the body. SMASH is about community, about laughter and about loving the skin we are in. Embracing everybody. Celebrating Every Body.
Thank you so much for reading, it is a bit of a long one! Enjoy your festive season.
Sam & Ash