Leaving toxicity behind...
Hey all, Sam here sending you an email that I wrote on New Years Eve 2019....
It's extremely personal as it's about the ending of a romantic relationship. It may trigger some emotions and feelings if you have recently been through something similar so please proceed with caution if you are feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. I wanted to share the story of how I left a toxic relationship with the intention to leave the negativity behind in 2019. I wrote a few versions of this email and deleted them. Just as we suggest with negative emotions, sometimes the full story only needs to be between you and the page, and then sent to trash.
I will be sharing some personal information about me and the person I was in the relationship with and considered, out of respect, whether I should share at all. However, I wanted to highlight the issue of 'gaslighting', and the effect it had on me, as I feel it's something that needs to be spoken about more. Ash and I have always said that we would be honest with our community when talking about our own mental health journey so, here goes...
Gaslighting 'to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.'
In October 2018 I started dating somebody. There was something about him that made my gut instinct tell me to keep him at a distance. We 'committed' to a no-stress, no-pressure relationship that seemed to work for both of us. We kept our 'relationship' in a bubble, where the most important thing was that we got to just spend time with each other. I felt like I was protecting my mental health by not committing to too much. On two or three occasions I felt like he wasn't what I wanted in my life and so we broke up and I tried to push him away. Each time he convinced me that I was wrong. Perhaps I was being too judgemental, a little selfish? And the argument was won with me taking him back.
In August 2019 I was finally convinced to let my barriers down. I 'realised' that I was doubting him for no real reason, that I was judging him for past behaviour that he had shared with me. Overall I felt that he was being so open and honest with me, which was something he had never done before, that it felt right that we become a 'couple'. I fell for him and I enjoyed being swept up in the feelings of love and being in a relationship with somebody that challenged me and very much seemed to appreciate me.
However, for various reasons, there were many occasions where our plans to spend time together were halted. Problems with his work or his family meant that his mental health was suffering, so he would stay away or not be fully present when we were together. I started to question whether I was at the bottom of the list of his priorities but when I raised it with him, I was made to feel like I was being impatient or selfish.
He convinced me that I always questioned our relationship when I had been away for the weekend visiting friends. This confused me so much as I was sure that wasn't the case. Even the last time I went on holiday I made extra effort so that he knew I was thinking of him and made sure I didn't show anything other than patience and happiness when I came back. However, we still managed to find an arguement when I returned and I wondered what I could have done better?
At the beginning of December I had reason to believe he was not being faithful and I looked through his phone, something that I would never do as I truly value the privacy of others. I felt terrible for doing this as it's totally not in my nature but, rightly or wrongly, my instinct was correct as I discovered that he had been having relationships with other women (yes, more than one) for months. I knew that if I confronted him he would make me doubt myself, so I re-read the messages to make sure that there was no way he could tell me that I had 'misinterpreted' the messages. I was hurt, of course, but I wasn't surprised and actually felt relieved. I finally trusted myself and my instincts and realised that he had zero power over me and my thoughts.
Rather than tell him that I knew, I instead confronted him on all of the other niggles I had, and his response was to tell me how confused I am, how judgemental, selfish and self-centred I am. For the first time with a clear head I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all! I hadn't realised before that he had been making me feel crazy and had led me to doubt myself for months. I eventually told him what I knew and told him exactly how I felt.
Despite his protestations about having a 'sickness' and that it was somehow my fault for going away so often, I managed to tell him exactly how he had made me feel, about how I couldn't believe a single word he had said to me and that there is no space for him in my life. The way he had manipulated me, in retrospect, is not worth any form of a 2nd or 3rd chance!
To protect my mental health and prevent him from popping up and disturbing my re-gained happiness, I deleted his number and all of his messages and blocked him on Whatsapp. When he tried to call, I also blocked the number, as well as the second number that he tried to text me on, and I sent back the £50 'Christmas present' he transferred to me. Most recently he tried to subscribe to the SMASH emails under a pseudonym and shared his very familiar story with us! Luckily, Ash read it while he was in Miami over Christmas and realised it before I could get too swept up in it. We deleted the email, the fake address and blocked the associated Instagram account that had started following me. It showed me the lengths some people can go to to manipulate someone for their own gain.
For me, my biggest lesson is to trust my gut feeling. There were many red flags that I ignored, and I knew at the back of my mind that he wasn't right for me, but in the end I took back control by walking away in silence and carrying on with a happy life. Many people don't get that kind of closure, or have the support system that I have so, as always, I am incredibly thankful. Luckily, this was a very brief relationship in the grand scheme of things and I am sharing to hopefully support anybody that may be going through anything similar.
I've since talked to many people about the situation and realised that gaslighting in relationships is a lot more common than we think. There is an interesting explanation in this article, which asks the following questions:
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
You’re always apologising.
You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what.
You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You wonder if you are good enough
Even with my strong mind and regular mindfulness practise I was doing a lot of these things. I hope the new year means that it is the last I have heard from him but, leaving what I can in 2019, I am genuinely happier, stronger and thankful than ever.
Everybody has a different story and different boundaries. For me, finding out about the infidelity was an underline on all of the other niggles that I had, but for others it may not be so clear. The best thing in any situation is to talk it through with a friend, or even with a stranger. Sometimes others can see things a lot clearer than we can ourselves. As a minimum, write a letter to yourself, to your partner, to your ex and then throw it away and move on in the best way you can. It may take time to heal but remember that we deserve genuine love, respect and kindness. Don't settle for anything less.
Thank you all again for you support and allowing me a space to share my story with you
Sam and Ash
